Careful Now

Am I supposed to feel different? Because I don't. I have these same stagnant feelings. Complacency. Longing. Distrust. Bitter. Cold.

Yet, I cannot go one day without someone telling me how happy I am and how great I am at making people laugh. Huh? I've been this same person since I was 21. Selfish and lonely but loving every second of it.

I've been saying out loud more and more lately that I don't want to get married. Every time I hear it, it's like someone else is saying it. And I think that person is crazy for not wanting to be married and have a family and cook and clean and do all those wifely duties. But the more I say it, I think I believe it. I actually believe it. Marriage sounds terrible. I don't want to share a bathroom and have to rely on someone for happiness. I am so happy alone. Things are my way and I don't have to change things about me or do what someone else wants. I know that is the epitome of the word selfish, but I know I am. I admit it!

Flip it. I have this stupid emo heart that quotes songs and writes in blogs about feeling different things for different people. I want to mush these people together and make someone I could really fall for. Then I'd believe in being in a relationship. But none of them are perfect and neither am I.

Don't want me cause I don't want you.

Don't want me. I don't want you.

Biology

It's funny how we confuse sexual chemistry for a solid foundation to base a relationship on. Those memories and feelings burn into your brain and create lasting feelings of yearning. You become addicted to that high you felt when the dopamine and oxytocin flooded your brain. Oxytocin is a chemical that is released in your brain during several different times in your day. Most notably: before, during and after orgasm. Oxytocin just so happens to also be released in babies brains during breastfeeding to produce bonding between mother and child.

I think these emotions are elicited at a biological level because as human beings we are here to do one thing: procreate. Our biological desires to populate the earth are so strong we are consistently brought back to the people who stimulate these chemicals in our brain the most.

This has me come to rest on my final thought; I woke up from a dream reaching out for you. My hand is still there and I have yet to feel anything back. I'm not ready to let go.