Be Fri

I've never had a "best friend"; Someone who was legitimately a constant in my life. I've always had and have many good friends. But no one who is my number one on my speed dial or that I use the phrase "my best friend _____, really likes that too."

Some have come close but none seem to stay. Maybe my standards for a best friend is too high? I define a best friend as someone who trusts you and you can trust, and someone who is there for you, both physically and emotionally.

It's a weird feeling to be this disassociated with people. I blame it on my need for independence stemming from being an only child. Or that all the good best friends (like good men) are taken.

Or maybe it's a much deeper rooted issue. What if it's me wanting to be disassociated with people? I do not let people in this impermeable structure that is my heart.

I can't even remember the last time I cried over something that personally effected me. I cried during the last Conan O'Brien. I cried during a YouTube video about slaughterhouses. I didn't even cry when I moved, when my mom was in the hospital or when my grandmother had a stroke.

Just to make it clear, I am not proud of this. I want to be emotionally available. I want constant people in my life. I want love and sharing and all that mushy bull shit.

But before I can have "D) all of the above", I need to learn to leave my baggage at the back door.

Ladies Room

Do you ever wonder just what exactly goes on in women's restrooms? Well, here is your opportunity to find out. I am going to let you in on a little something that no man knows and not many women realize happens in the ladies room. We'll start from the begininng.

In the bar girls get and give dirty looks. Instantly judging each other's outfit, hair, weight, even the company you keep. But the second you're in the ladies room in that well lit place where everyone is eager to freshen up and expell fluids, something magical happens.

Compliments.

"Your bangs are awesome. I have always wanted bangs like yours and could never pull them off, but yours are great." "That top is so cute! Where did you get it?" "Your eyes are so pretty! I'm so jealous."

I like to call it the "180 Ladies Room Phenom". After this 180 degree turn of emotions, you will smile and have a connection with those girls the rest of the night.

Consider yourself enlightened.

Displace Me

I just recently relocated all of my things to Austin, Texas. However, I am not home yet. I feel so displaced. No where is home. Staying at my mom's in the guest room and living out of an overnight bag while all of my things are collecting dust in this amazing apartment in North Austin - but I haven't made that my home yet either.

This is just uncomfortable. How long does it take or what does it take to make a house a home? Love? Love what? I live alone.

But what's new? I'm "Miss Independent" and always have been.

"Oh, it's so admirable to be so independent and assured by yourself!"

cough*bullshit*cough. I'm starved for attention.

Anticipation

The shitty thing about anticipation is that you can eventually build up so much of it that nothing will be able to top what you have in your head.

But if we change our ideals and never expect anything, that's such a boring life to live.

It's like the night before a big event in your life and you can't sleep cause your tummy is fluttering, but when you wake up, Christmas is canceled or he is a terrible kisser.

Yeah. That's the same.

Break

There is no difference in a breakdown and a breakthrough.

Breakdown: pissed off, depression or acting out. Anyway you slice it, you're broken.

Breakthrough: the light at the end of the tunnel, flashes of how better off you are and rising above your pain.

But you give in when you break and fix yourself just to break again.

Breakout.

Mood Ring

The thing I most respect and love about people is when they don't hide anything. You can straight up ask them a question and there is no stutter or embarassment and they answer.

I'm like a mood ring; wearing your feelings so close to the surface is dangerous but it's the only way to never leave anyone wondering how I feel.

I need to purchase a patch of a bleeding heart for my sleeve. You know, make it more literal then metephorical.

Resolve

New Year's Resolution.

Wept.