Be Fri

I've never had a "best friend"; Someone who was legitimately a constant in my life. I've always had and have many good friends. But no one who is my number one on my speed dial or that I use the phrase "my best friend _____, really likes that too."

Some have come close but none seem to stay. Maybe my standards for a best friend is too high? I define a best friend as someone who trusts you and you can trust, and someone who is there for you, both physically and emotionally.

It's a weird feeling to be this disassociated with people. I blame it on my need for independence stemming from being an only child. Or that all the good best friends (like good men) are taken.

Or maybe it's a much deeper rooted issue. What if it's me wanting to be disassociated with people? I do not let people in this impermeable structure that is my heart.

I can't even remember the last time I cried over something that personally effected me. I cried during the last Conan O'Brien. I cried during a YouTube video about slaughterhouses. I didn't even cry when I moved, when my mom was in the hospital or when my grandmother had a stroke.

Just to make it clear, I am not proud of this. I want to be emotionally available. I want constant people in my life. I want love and sharing and all that mushy bull shit.

But before I can have "D) all of the above", I need to learn to leave my baggage at the back door.